


Start Again

by Seajellybaby



Series: The LA Series [2]
Category: As the World Turns
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-18
Updated: 2020-01-18
Packaged: 2021-02-27 13:54:33
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,969
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22308253
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Seajellybaby/pseuds/Seajellybaby
Summary: Extra story text added 01 April 2020 to bring it in line with the series as a whole.Extra scene added 17 April 2020 - Original breakup scenePart of The LA Series. Follows on from the finale. I do suggest you read the entire series in order. The first few installments just aim to reunite the boys and head them off in the right direction. From 'Separation' onward they will be thrown on a roller-coaster of suspense, action, drama, love etc etc... I hope you enjoy it!As these stories are part of a series I've rated all of them as mature for the purpose of simplicity.Please take the time to comment. I love hearing your thoughts on the series.
Relationships: Noah Mayer/Luke Snyder
Series: The LA Series [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1601257
Kudos: 3





	Start Again

The delicious smell of home cooking... the melodic sounds of Beethoven... hit Noah from the moment he opened the door. He smiled softly to himself, relief flooding through him like water after days in the desert. For months he'd returned home to the dark and empty apartment; a reflection of what he felt in his heart. Each time the loneliness inserted itself a little deeper; the small amount of faith he was clinging to diminishing a little more. By the time Luke finally arrived at his door, any hope Noah had of ever getting him back was all but gone; leaving nothing but the shell of a person.

Leaving for LA... leaving Luke and Oakdale behind... hurt more than anything ever had in his entire lifetime. More than his mother’s neglect, more than his father’s rejection, more than losing his eyesight. It even hurt more than seeing Luke in Reid’s arms; the two of them locked in a passionate kiss. But he had done it, mostly because he knew it was what Luke needed. He was willing to do just about anything for Luke.

He knew that if it wasn’t for movie making to fill the lonely hours, he wouldn’t have held out for as long as he had. Being a director was all he ever dreamed of becoming and here he was, working in LA of all places. It was stressful, balancing his final exams with his responsibilities as director of a film; trying to stay on time and within budget. But using this to keep his mind off Luke had turned him into quite the workaholic; somehow he was excelling at it all... enough to get noticed by some big names willing to help finance him. This has turned his student production into something of an actual movie; even with hope to feature at one or two film festivals in the not too distant future. But despite loving the job... living his dream job... his personal life remained hollow.

It wasn't for lack of interest. A few students from campus had requested dates; both male and female. And Noah would be lying if he said he was never tempted; even if only to simply scratch the itch... to dampen those natural urges. But even though he and Luke were officially broken up, he still felt so connected to him. He still felt it would be a betrayal in some way. He still felt committed. 

He thought back to the day he found himself at the airport with a ticket to Oakdale in his hand. He wasn’t going to contact Luke; he just wanted to catch a glimpse of him, even if it was from a distance. His heart ached to see Luke. The want was so great, it felt like it would crush him. But as he stood in the queue to board the plane, he knew he couldn’t do it. Staying away was what Luke needed from him. Somebody else in Oakdale was bound to run into him. News in such a small town traveled pretty fast, and it wouldn’t have taken long for Luke to find out; perhaps feel pressure Noah didn't want to pile on him. 

So a dejected Noah left the airport; returned to the dark apartment. With a frenzied energy he searched through all the unpacked boxes, throwing things aside until he found what he was looking for. He crossed the room holding a neat box of all the letters, e-mails and messages Luke had sent him over the years. With his heart burning in his chest, Noah spent the entire night in the dark. He sat on the floor with his back up against the wall, reading all the words of love by the moonlight spilling through the window. He was like a heroin addict squelching his addiction with methadone. A temporary fix… until the next craving took hold.

When he was really desperate... and only then... he would phone Luke. Sometimes Luke would phone him. There was nothing deep about these conversations. Always cordial and friendly, just touching base and catching up. He sensed Luke wasn't ready, but it was just good to hear his voice. On more than a few occasions he heard the deep unhappiness in Luke's tone; even if Luke denied it was there. He sensed something really bad and dark; but had no way to reach Luke in that more concrete way. He wished there was some kind of magic wand he could wave to make everything right again. More than anything, he wished he knew where he stood in Luke's heart, since every day it felt like Luke was moving further away. 

But for the past glorious month, he had been coming home every night to Luke. Whenever he turned the key in the lock, there was still a shiver of fear… that when he opened the door he would find Luke gone again. But the feeling quickly dissipated as the light and warmth of the place... the sense of Luke’s undeniable presence... engulfed him.

Closing the door quietly behind him, he moved stealthy toward the kitchen, so that he could enjoy a few minutes just watching Luke at work. He loved the concentration Luke had whilst cooking; the way he weaved from one side of the kitchen to the other, stretching his body up to the top shelf to lift off a bottle of spice or sauce that he needed. Noah couldn’t help but think of how proud Emma would be of her grandson, the cook!

They spent their first two days back together in complete radio silence from the outside world. Except for one phone call to their respective work places, the two of them did nothing but cuddle together. They were barely able to stop touching while watching movies and reminiscing, basically just getting to know one another again. It never took long for the cuddles to ramp up into desire; that intense sexual energy they weren't yet ready for.

***

_Edward G. Robinson was right in the middle of explaining his complex thoughts about the man with the broken leg, when Luke's hand moved from smoothing Noah's chest through his shirt, to seeking the skin underneath. Noah inhaled sharply... Luke's fingertips finding what they were looking for... snaking up under Noah's shirt to feel his ribs; searching out a nipple. Luke shuddered a breath into Noah's ear; took the lobe in his teeth... groaned and pressed a straining groin into Noah's thigh; lost in sensation._

_The movie dialogue faded forgotten into the background. Noah turned on the sofa, burrowing himself under Luke; captured Luke's lips in his own and cupped a hand round the back of Luke's neck. He squeezed at Luke's bicep... pulled the man closer. Luke's knee forced itself between Noah's thighs; rubbing hardness against hardness; their shared desire obvious. Luke's kiss was one of eager energy; melding his tongue in a long explorative caress._

_Their foreheads pressed together as they reluctantly pulled out of the kiss. Noah felt hungry with longing; but dropped his head back... fearful of the rush... the super-charged desire that proved always so overwhelming; bringing him back to his senses._

_Luke read his thoughts. "Time for bed?"_

_Noah swallowed... nodded... unable to speak or he might lose his mind; flip Luke over, draw down his shorts to take him right there._

_They parted at the guestroom with a press of lips. Nothing more. Nothing deeper, or it would lead to too much. One moment to gaze into eyes, before Luke vanished behind the bedroom door._

_Noah swiftly found the shower; stepped under a cold stream. But it wasn't enough to put out the fire. He soaped up his hand; pumped himself only five times before spilling into the stream of water. He stifled the groan into his elbow; mental image of Luke doing the same only one room away almost too much to handle._

_If they carried on like they were; it would become a nightly ritual... just growing with intensity day-by-day. He'd doused the physical desire; but the pull was still there... strong as ever._ _He dressed and followed that pull to Luke's door; dropped his head to the wood and inhaled the deep longing in his gut._

_The door opened and he stumbled slightly. Their eyes locked instantly. Noah pulled Luke close; kissed him once more._

_"I'm not ready," Luke whispered; flushed against Noah's cheek._

_"Me either," he replied, "but God damn, Luke!"_ _There eyes met in flame; hands gripped almost cruelly into flesh._ _Noah sighed, laughed at their desperation._

_Luke smiled._

_"Do you want to go for a walk?" Noah suggested._

***

So they moved things outside. They went for walks in the park or out for meals at the numerous restaurants. Noah would show Luke the sites of LA and Luke would listen with interest as Noah explained the progress of his movie; showed him the various location shoots.

It was on one of these walks they found a small bookstore not far from the apartment. Luke purchased a cooking manual. After two weeks, Noah could no longer afford to take time off work. Luke decided he would use the long daytime hours to learn how to cook; something he'd always wanted to do. Their brief time sharing a flat in Oakdale, had proved how lacking he was in that department.

It was this book that held his full attention... brow furrowed... while he stirred at something on the stove.

Noah still couldn’t believe it. It felt like a miracle.

“Are you just going to stand there staring at me, or are you going to come over here and give me proper hello?” Luke asked.

Noah grinned broadly; walked over into Luke’s embrace, just as the man turned away from the stove. “Hi there!”

Luke smiled; gave him a kiss as they held each other.

“Can’t get anything past you, can I?” Noah winked.

“Not a chance, Mayer! I can feel you, you know? When you enter a room?”

They shared another gentle kiss that quickly increased in intensity, until Luke found himself being squeezed up against the counter. They both giggled into the kiss as they realized what was happening; broke apart smiling.

"We're going to end up on an early walk, if you keep doing that..." Luke joked.

They were still carefully avoiding love making. Both wanted it, but they agreed on day one they were going to take things slowly... start again. Whenever they made love in the past, they were totally and truly aligned; strong within the relationship. They wanted their new relationship to be the same. Sex between them was always so intense... could take over everything... forgetting or ignoring the need to resolve issue between them. If they didn't work on this first; sex could ultimately destroy them by masking truth. 

“So,” Noah asked changing the subject... arms encircled around Luke’s waist... a slight look of amused confusion on his face, “when did you start listening to classical?”

Noah meant to tease Luke, but wished he hadn’t said it the moment the words left his lips. Luke’s smile wavered; his eyes took on a brief moment of shock, then sadness. He glanced almost guiltily at the floor.

“Oh...” Noah sighed and nodded as realization set in, “Reid?”

Luke broke quickly from the embrace; turned around to continue stirring the pot. For a moment if felt like all the air was sucked out of the room.

“Luke?”

“I’m sorry,” his voice was haunted.

“Luke?” Noah carefully turned Luke around to face him again. He placed his hand under Luke’s chin; lifted his head to make eye contact. "It’s okay, you know? There’s nothing for you to be sorry about. I told you before… I understand...”

“It’s… I didn’t even realize the connection until you mentioned it. I mean… I guess… I never… I never realized that some things from my time with him kind of… I don’t know… stuck?”

“Pretty normal, don’t you think?” Noah shrugged, trying with all his might to sound nonchalant.

It hurt. It did hurt to think of Luke loving another man, but Noah really had come to accept it. Luke had so much love to give, and it stood to reason that he would look to give his love to somebody else after Noah pushed him away. But Noah knew that it didn’t mean Luke had come to love him any less. He had simply shared a different kind of love with Reid. The scary thing, was that if it hadn’t been for a cruel twist of fate, Noah knew how close he came to possibly losing Luke forever.

Noah felt betrayed by Reid, but despite the anger he had for the doctor at the time, he would never have wished Reid harm. He felt terrible for what happened and he hated what it did to Luke. He knew he owed Reid something special, something as precious as the ability to see. Noah had come to realize that in some way, he could repay Reid by looking out for Luke. He felt sure that, despite everything, Reid would have wanted Luke to be happy. At least the two of them had _that_ in common.

“I just don’t want to hurt you because of it,” Luke replied; leaning into Noah’s hand; bringing his fingers to lay over Noah's. “We’ve done enough to hurt each other already.”

By some unspoken agreement they had so far carefully avoided the general subject of their breakup and Reid, both preferring to live in a protective bubble of their own making. Their new found relationship felt fragile. They needed a place where... at least for a little while... they could leave all the pain behind and just focus purely on loving each other. But both knew the bubble was only temporary. At some point they were going to have to face the real world. Luke had already taken a full month off from Grimaldi Shipping and his foundation, both of which were clamoring for his attention. In a few days he would have to leave Noah in LA and return to Oakdale. The thought made Noah feel sick and terrified.

Shrugging off those thoughts for the time being, Noah said, “Luke, you feel what you feel, okay? I don’t expect you to keep avoiding the subject, just because you’re scared of how it will impact me. We said we would share everything from now on… remember?” He pulled Luke in close again; smoothed blond locks from out of his face. “Even if it hurts?”

“Yes,” Luke replied, “we do need to talk.” He searched Noah’s eyes tentatively. “We can’t put it off any longer.”

Noah nodded; tried not to let the fear show in his face.

***

_Damian had given Luke a number of long and often tedious books on shipping operations to help get him up to speed on the basics. He knew Damian well enough to realize he would actually have to read every book he was given. Damian had sly ways of testing Luke when he least expected it. So Luke was lounging on the couch, thumbing through one of these books by a Maria G. Burns, when the sound of something smashing on the porch sent him scurrying for his coat to investigate outside._

_His heart caught in his throat when he found Noah squatting on the floor. "Noah?"_

_He relaxed some when Noah's reply was a pleasant and unharmed, "Hey." Noah swept his arms around the tiles, clearly looking for something._

_It was then that Luke's brain caught up. "What are you doing?"_

_"Oh, you know," Noah joked, " just looking for my cane..."_

_Scared Noah would cut his hands on the broken crockery pot, Luke swiftly grabbed the cane up off the floor. "I got it."_

_"Oh."_

_"Here," Luke handed the cane to Noah; frowning with surprise. Noah was supposed to be following his doctor to Texas, where his brain surgery would take place._

_Noah took the cane, using it to help himself back to standing. "Thanks."_

_"I thought you'd be in Dallas by now."_

_"I'm not going." Noah replied simply._

_Anger flared quickly. "Are you telling me that Dr. Oliver left without you?" He made a move to put on his coat, already planning the tirade he would unleash on the man. "I can't believe him!"_

_Quickly jumping to his doctor's defense, Noah said, "No! No Luke! He's still here too. Turns out he might not leave at all."_

_"Why not?"_

_"Well, he told me he might take a permanent job at Memorial?"_

_Shocked and confused Luke replied, "Are you kidding me? I thought he couldn't wait to get back to Dallas?"_

_Noah shrugged. "I guess not."_

_Hope rose up inside of Luke; happiness... so fleeting these days... swelled through him. "Well that's great! I mean, Noah, when are you going to move back in?"_ _Without thought he flung his arms around Noah, pressed in deeply. Noah was wearing his cream sweater... the one Luke loved... always so soft and cuddly. Noah was so big and strong and warm. Luke closed his eyes; savored the moment. He felt relief instantly. Noah was staying. There was still a chance._

_But as so often happened, Noah burst his bubble... pulled out of the embrace. "Ah... Luke, no... I... I just came back here to... to pick up something that I left from before."_

_Luke smiled... immediately felt the cold... struggled into his coat. "Well, obviously you can't move in right now, but... but if you're not going to Dallas?"_

_"Luke, I need to be by myself, wherever I am. That hasn't changed, okay? I need to learn how to take care of myself."_

_"Well, you can do that here, you know?" Luke tried to remain upbeat, but he could already feel the crash coming._

_"No, I can't, okay?" Noah was adamant. "We tried that before, and it didn't work. I need to be able to fumble around and bump into stuff, and you're... you're too nice to let me do that." There was a sweet, reminiscent smile on his lips. It spoke of all the love he had for Luke; and yet Luke was still being pushed back._

_"Well, I will ignore you, I promise." Luke assured him._

_Noah cocked his head; gave Luke one of his sideways smiles. "Luke, you just picked up my cane for me."_

_"Right," Luke realized, " I did. Sorry." He sighed back the disappointment. "So, why are you here then?"_

_"Just to pick up my... my soundtrack CDs."_

_"Oh, you left them." By this point Luke was having one conversation with Noah, but an entirely different one in his head. "I was going to mail them to you in Dallas once I got an address. I'll get 'em." He headed to the front door, but turned on the way. He paused before he spoke, so nervous of flaring up the anger Noah seemed to carry around inside him these days. But he had to know. " Noah, where do we go from here?"_

_Noah shuffled nervously. King of avoidance, Noah never enjoyed the more direct questions Luke flung his way. "Ah, w... what do you mean?"_

_"Well, if you're going to stay in town," Luke approached Noah, "I'm going to run into you in Old Towne or Java. You know, somewhere? Well, what do you want me to say?"_

_Noah seemed surprised by the question; as though the answer were obvious. But nothing had been obvious to Luke for a long time. "You say hello."_

_"Really?"_

_"Luke, come on," Noah replied incredulously, "we're still friends."_

_One of the worst things about Noah's blindness was the lack of eye contact. Luke knew that if Noah could see the expression on his face, he'd never say half the things he said with such flippancy._

_"Friends..." Luke's stomach twisted. "Yeah." He asked the question he really needed an answer to... the one he was most afraid to ask. But the limbo was killing him and it looked like Noah intended to stretch it out even further. "And six months from now, after you have your surgery and you're all better, what about then?"_

_"I just... I can't think that far ahead right now."_

_"Well, I can't stop thinking about it." His voice broke. He knew he was taking them down a dangerous path continuing this conversation; but they'd both been dancing around it for quite some time... both too afraid to say what needed to be said._

_Especially when Noah's reaction was almost always with such frustration and bite. "Luke, we don't know what's going to happen. I can't make a decision about something that I can't even predict."_

_"But I thought that there is..." Luke kept his voice as even as possible; tried to hide the turmoil of his heart behind a smile he hoped would seep into his tone. This was a test; their last chance. "... there is one thing that would never change." He swept his eyes up Noah's body to rest on his face; felt blood roar in his ears... a part of his brain warning him to stop._

Don't do this! Don't break anything else! 

_"What's that?" Noah's tone was soft; tentative._

_It was now or never. Luke took a breath; moved in close. "This..."_ _His hand rested gently against the side of Noah's neck; thumb brushing an ear. He tugged Noah's head close... pressed their lips together... let Noah drive the intensity. The kiss started cold due to the weather; the skin of Noah's neck smooth and smelling faintly of a new cologne. Luke risked a little more... pressed open Noah's lips... searching gently at first, then exploring more insistently._

_Noah, tasting deliciously of peppermint gum, strained against Luke; returned the kiss with familiar passion. It didn't take long for Noah's hands to grip firmly into Luke's arms; for the soft press of lips to turn to plundering... for the want to ramp up._ _Luke knew from the few kisses they'd shared during Noah's blindness, that the love was still there. He knew from the instant fire... from the hitch of Noah's chest... from the electricity that shook him to his core. It was all still there... strong and firm; real and true. And perhaps that was why it was in this exact moment, that Luke finally began to see the truth. He felt it even more when Noah inevitably began to physically push him back._

_What they were together was all_ too much _for Noah. The_ all _of_ them _was too much._

_And it was this new knowledge that made Luke so reluctant to end the kiss; almost fight to keep it going... fingers sliding down Noah's face to his chin like a falling climber clinging to rock._

_"I'm sorry." Luke clung to the collar of that favorite cream sweater like his life depended on it... and in some ways, perhaps it did. He fixed his eyes on the chest of the man he loved, because staring at his face was too hard. He dreaded physically letting go of Noah this time, because of the growing realization that was quickly shattering the last remnants of an already broken heart._

_"It's okay." Although Noah had pushed Luke back, he still clung tightly to Luke's arms; that war between want and fear still so evident in everything the brunette did... the push and pull so confusing to Luke._

_"I miss us." Luke had to tell him... looked up into his face; desperate for their eyes to lock in a way he knew was now impossible._

_"So do I." There were tears in Noah's voice; validating a truth Luke already knew. Noah loved him, but it wasn't enough this time._

_"Really?" The lack of eye contact became too much, so he returned to staring at Noah's chest... played with the knitted collar._

_"Look," Noah tried to explain, " I... I know I must be sending you all sorts of mixed messages right now..."_

_Luke was momentarily lost in his thoughts. "Yeah, kinda..."_

_"... but I don't want you to think I'm trying to push you away."_

_And that was it... the straw breaking the camel's back. Luke let go of Noah in more ways than one... patted his chest... turned his back... created distance between them. "Well honestly, Noah, that's... that's what it feels like right now."_

_"I know. But it's just... It's what I have to do right now for myself, and for you."_

_His reaction was an instant angry reply as he turned back to Noah. "How is this for me?"_

_"I don't want to have to resent you."_

_"Resent me?" Luke scoffed. "For helping you?"_

_"When it's... Your help's the last thing I want right now. Can't you see that?"_

_"No I can't, Noah, I'm sorry. How many times did you help me when I didn't want it? When I was paralyzed, when I got expelled, when Damian came back?"_

_"_ That _was different!"_

_"I know that was different, but I wasn't! You stood by me, even though I tried to push you away." Just as quickly as the anger rose up inside of him, the hurt of rejection took over. "How can you expect me not to stand by you right now?"_

_"You still don't get it."_

_"Then tell me, Noah. Explain it to me, please!" Their love had turned to water in his hands; was running swiftly through his fingers no matter how close, how tightly he held them together._

_"When all those other things were over,_ you _were still_ you _. I will never be the same Noah Mayer I was before," Noah explained._

_"Dr. Oliver doesn't think that's true." Luke chewed nervously on his bottom lip._

_"Dr. Oliver is sure he can give me my sight back, and I want a doctor who's sure, but_ I _can't be. I can't be, because I'm going to have to live the rest of my life like this if he fails."_

_Luke knew what he had to do, but he couldn't help grasping at straws; a last ditch attempt to repair the damage. "But then why do you think that you need to learn all of this stuff on your own, if we're going to be together? Noah, what are you trying to say here?" He hated how the tremor in his voice was giving him away._

_"We don't... We don't know what's going to happen."_

_"Well, I always thought that we both knew that we wanted to spend the rest of our lives together?"_

_"Well, things change."_

_Sometimes it seemed as simple as that for Noah. His words irritated Luke; made him spit his reply, "Please stop using that excuse!"_

_"I'm sorry," Noah insisted; voice raising. " I wish I could make this easier. I wish I could do this better. But I can't."_

_"You know," Luke began, tears springing up, "when you were going to Dallas, I thought that that was worst thing that could happen. But I was wrong. This is the worst thing... knowing that you're going to be in town, and that I still can't be with you."_

_"It's just what I need to do."_

_And Luke knew that. He did. But, "What about what I need?"_

_"I'm sorry, okay? I know that this is selfish. I'm just being honest."_

_"I'm sorry too..." Luke briefly squeezed his eyes shut at the pain; breath struggling with what he knew he had to do; barely able to believe he was about to do it. For himself. For Noah. To save even a drop of what they had been together. He had to be strong enough to make that decision for the both of them. "Because honestly, Noah, I need more from you... and if you can't give me that, then I can't do this anymore."_

_There was a long pause after that; almost as though his words contained some spell to freeze Noah in place. Nothing moved, not even a whisper of hair on the wind. At least that was how it felt to Luke._

_Glass-eyed, Noah swallowed back some strangled sound that started to form on his lips. A visible shudder, that seemed to pass the entire length of his frame, accompanied a vocal exhale as he searched for his voice. When he couldn't find it, he nodded his agreement. "_ _Okay."_

_It was as final a whisper as Luke had ever heard in his life._ _He immediately tried to take back the pain, even as he knew he couldn't. "Noah..."_

_Noah sought out Luke's cheek; placed a finger on Luke's lips. "It's okay..." He turned to look out over a yard he couldn't see; too pained to let Luke witness what was written on his face. Feeling a similar ache, Luke did the same; swept his eyes down the drive to where Noah's cab was still waiting for him. "I get it." Noah took another deep breath. "I just... I don't know... I feel like I've let you down in a way I can never make for."_

_Luke sighed; defeat or relief, he wasn't sure which. "You haven't."_

_"I just thought..." Noah faltered. "I just thought that," another breath, "that we would last forever, you know? I thought we weren't like other couples."_

_Another squeeze on Luke's already tightening chest. He smiled sardonically, spoke almost bitterly, "Yeah, well... I guess nothing lasts forever."_

_"I guess not." Noah replied; gripping hold of his cane with both hands like it was the only thing grounding him in that moment._

_Noah's cab hooted impatiently. They both jumped. Until then neither knew how to move the narrative forward. Their feet were rooted; minds holding on to something neither really wanted to lose._

_"Noah," Luke struggled to speak, "you... you don't have to take a cab. I can drive you."_

_Noah shook his head as he turned back to Luke. "No," his breath shuddered as he shrugged. "It's better this way?"_

_And there is was. The inevitable moment they'd been avoiding for months. The official goodbye as a twosome, as a couple, as a partnership, as pretty much everything to each other._ _Luke felt for sure there was no coming back from the sheer agony of what he felt in that moment. His subconscious continued to scream at him to stop, even as his logical side knew it was the right thing to do. But he wanted to say it just once more before Noah left. "Noah I..."_

...love you.

_The final words died in his throat; hurt too much to voice in that moment. He flung himself into Noah's arms; Noah willingly clinging back. Luke slipped his hands under Noah's jumper, seeking the warmth and comfort of the skin underneath._

_"Yeah," Noah chocked back; knowing exactly what Luke tried to say. "Same here."_

_Noah was shaking just as much as he was. It was the worst thing to know how much they loved each other; and how much that didn't matter. It couldn't save them from this. Not this time. And that made the break up so much harder. Blindly Noah sought out Luke's cheek, palmed it one last time. Luke was relieved when he didn't lean in for a kiss. If Noah had kissed him, Luke would have pulled out; begged Noah's forgiveness... promised to be patient. Anything. All the things that wouldn't work; would just prolong the pain even more._

_As Noah headed down the drive; Luke forced himself to stay put; even as his heart told him to run after the cab. He didn't remember making his way back inside the house; or encountering his mother. He was suddenly just there, on the floor of her living room, wrapped in her embrace as she tried to work out what had happened._ _"Luke, honey?"_

_"I had to do it..."_

_She held him tight as he sobbed._

***

They walked slowly hand-in-hand into the dim lit living room. Their shared dinner had been contemplative. They talked about Noah’s day at work, but it was strained. Not strained from conflict or anger of any kind; rather from the fear of where their inevitable conversation would take them. Both knew what they wanted. They knew they belonged together. Everything that had happened over the years had proven that. But the fear was still there. 

Luke turned to take hold of Noah’s other hand. He locked his gaze with Noah; gave him a small reassuring smile; a silent communication. “Everything’s going to be okay.”

Noah smiled back and nodded nervously, trembling slightly.

“I love you so much,” Luke said simply.

“I love you too.”

Some time passed.

“Okay, baby... The first thing I need is…” Luke paused to take a deep breath. “I guess I need to understand.”

“Understand?” Noah asked the question, but he already sensed where Luke was headed. There was a sudden tightness in his gut.

“I need you to make me understand why you pushed me away. I need to know why.”

Noah took a deep breath... waited a few moments... let that breath go in a shudder. Luke squeezed their hands to help anchor him; give him strength.

“The thing is,” Luke continued softly, “usually when people love each other, they need each other. I mean, they need each other to help get them through the bad times. But you… you pushed me out of your life… and… and I need to know why. I need to know why you stopped needing me.” He nodded once to encourage Noah to begin speaking.

Noah broke eye contact and looked away.

“Noah… no…” Luke gripped Noah’s hands tightly; waited for Noah to turn his sad eyes back to him. “No running... remember? Just stay right here in the moment… with me. It's gonna be okay.”

Noah nodded.

_God, this is hard!_

“Luke I…” he had to fight back the desire to cry. Crying would make what he had to say harder, and he knew he _had_ to get it out. They had to resolve these issues if they were going to move on together, otherwise the months apart would all have been for nothing. Noah studied Luke's face; reading him. He could see Luke's understanding. Luke knew him better than anybody. He knew how difficult this was for Noah. It went against Noah's base instincts, and Luke could see the war going on in Noah’s eyes. He knew how hard Noah was trying. All Noah read in those brown pools, was love... “A few weeks after the accident," Noah began, "I started having to admit to myself that… that the likelihood was I would never see again. And you were right… I did blame you at first."

Luke let out a small whimper at that; but held firm.

"Deep down, I knew it wasn’t your fault but… there had to be a reason, right? I mean, I had to know I wasn’t blind by some act of chance! I just needed something to blame it on... be angry at. And I guess… I guess you were just there. And with our history, you know? The way we would sometimes disagree because you can be so compulsive. Like sometimes you don’t really think before you act, even though I know you think you’re doing the right thing...”

Luke nodded; didn’t say anything. Noah tried to read his thoughts. Luke was quiet and that wasn't like him. But all Noah saw on the blonde’s face was a deep kind of concentration; like he was really trying hard to understand.

“I actually forgave you the whole Mason thing way sooner than I think you know. But when I realized that my sight wasn’t coming back... that it may _never_ come back... it was just easier to keep you at a distance.”

“Easier?” Luke asked.

“Luke, you know me right?”

“Better than anybody,” Luke nodded.

Noah continued. “So you know I had our life all planned out. And it was going to be _so_ amazing, Luke! So perfect. And I was going to do everything to make you happy; to give you the life you deserved after everything you gave me.”

Luke smiled sadly. Noah returned the smile briefly; before a shadow passed over his face. “And then just like that I was blind. I was a cripple. And I needed help for _everything..._ walking, eating, tying my shoelaces!”

“I wanted to help you with all that, Noah,” Luke whispered.

“I know. I know you would have done anything and everything… and I love you for it! God knows, I love you. But that’s just it, don’t you get it?”

“No, I'm sorry, I don't. You helped me when I was paralyzed and pushing you away. You kept at it, until I accepted the help.”

Noah sighed again, looking down at their entwined hands. “This thing... It's always like we go in circles..."

"Then tell me what I'm missing! Because you were holding something back then, and you're holding back now. But things are different now, Noah. You don't have to keep anything from me..."

"I wasn't _me_ , Luke!"

"I never asked you to be anything! I just wanted to help you..."

Noah shook his head. Desperate to find the words to explain. "I wasn't a good person. I was angry; abusive almost. I tried to keep it inside. I avoided you; so I wouldn't lash out all the time. I couldn't stop myself. The bitterness; that darkness consumed me. That wasn’t the life I planned for you! It wasn’t what I wanted for you. For _us_!” He looked back up into Luke’s eyes. “I love you, Luke. How could I condemn you to a life like that? You running around, cleaning up after me; walking on eggshells around me?”

“Oh, Noah…” A tear fell down Luke’s cheek.

“So, I was desperate. I was desperate to find a way as quickly as possible to get my sight back, if that was even an option! Because I knew… I knew there was only so long that I could keep you at arms length. But there was only one way I could see us staying together. I knew I was hurting you and it killed me. And I _did_ need you, Luke! It took everything I had not to cling onto you. But I thought if it came down to me being blind forever… if Reid couldn’t fix me… then it would be easier to let you go. I could let you go and live a normal life. The life I wanted for you. A happy life. Because, I know you too Luke. If you knew I didn’t blame you… if you knew the real reason for keeping you away... then you would stay. No matter what I said.”

***

Noah’s words were like a dagger in Luke’s gut.

_How did I never see this?_

If he knew Noah so well, then he should have seen this, right? It all made sense now… the reason Noah felt he had to learn to live alone. Noah never intended on having a life with Luke if he was blind. In his own misguided way, Noah was willing to sacrifice his own happiness for the sake of Luke’s.

“God!” He drew Noah into him. Noah pressed his face into the small of Luke’s neck; sobbed silently.

When they pulled apart again Noah said, “I knew there was a risk that you would start to date other men. I guess… the things is…” he stumbled.

“It’s okay, go on…”

“I guess I never considered you might actually fall in love with any of them. At least not so quickly. I thought for sure by the time I’d had the surgery and knew where things stood, one way or the other, you would just still be there. I realize now that it was naïve of me… or vain… selfish even.”

“No, Noah. The thing with Reid... it was as much a shock to me as it was to you. I never expected or wanted it. I wasn’t looking for it. It just kind of happened.”

“That day... the day I got all my sight back? I wanted to surprise you, so I had Richard drive me to the house. And I was so happy, Luke! So relieved! Because you had been there during the surgery… the whole time... and I thought… I thought that meant…”

Luke made a small vocal sob as the tears fell. “I know. And then the first time you see me I’m kissing Reid. I’m so sorry! I’m sorry, Noah. When you didn’t call me to pick you up from the hospital, I thought it was because you didn’t need me. And I knew Richard was there… so I guess... I guess I needed comfort… and Reid was....”

He had been such an idiot! Why couldn’t he have just waited a little while longer? Why didn’t he have more faith?

“I was always going to tell you about Reid," Luke assured him. "You have to believe that. I would never have kept it from you, but I never wanted you to find out like _that_! I would never intentionally hurt you like that, okay?”

Noah kissed him then; leaned forward so their foreheads touched. “I know. I’m sorry too. For everything...”

Throughout the conversation they had not once pulled apart, but they broke the connection to throw their arms around each other in a deep hug. Noah’s right hand played softly with Luke's hair. Luke rubbed small circles on Noah’s back. The only sound was the ticking of the clock. They let an indefinable amount of time pass, standing together like that for as long as they both needed.

Relief filled the air. It felt like some huge weight had lifted. It felt like they were breathing a little easier.

Eventually Luke spoke hope into the folds of Noah’s shirt, “I think we’re going to be okay.”

“Same here.”


End file.
